Well, at least ’twas the day before Christmas–a parody reprise from a year ago.
‘TWAS THE DAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS
‘Twas the day before Christmas, with time running out,
My fists full of lists and a hot dog with kraut,
I was out with my shopping, a huge list to fill
For hubby and kiddies and dear old Aunt Lil.
At home the two dogs lay stretched out in their beds,
An alarm that all house thieves would most surely dread.
While I on my mission, mustard on my coat,
With kraut on my collar I smelled like a goat.
When rounding a corner on tires that squealed
Came a livery cab with a man at the wheel.
I hiccuped as he braked and his door brushed my hem
And I squawked like an old man with a throat full of phlegm.
“Are you mad or just drunk?!” I yelled out in my fright
While he grinned and then swiftly began to alight,
“I’m sorry,” he said, with a tip of his hat,
“I didn’t think I’d been so careless as that.”
“I’ll make up for my crime if you think that I may.
I’ll take you on errands the rest of the day.”
“And the charge?” I asked, suspicion in my voice.
“All free,” he replied, “as that is my choice.”
We drove to the mall, Toys R Us was my goal,
My kids had been good and did not deserve coal.
On to Macy’s and Penney’s and Bloomies we went,
Until every last dollar and penny was spent.
“And your hubby?” he asked. “So just what does he get?
He must be a nice guy to pay all of this debt.”
“He is.” I fished out my old credit card.
It was still pretty hot but at least wasn’t charred.
There were so many things that I hoped to give him,
The things that he wanted like a brand new home gym.
“Or a new fishing rod, tackle box and a creel
But with so much just bought, well, I have to be real.”
Now it was dark. The car sped in the night,
“Hey!” I looked up. “This direction isn’t right!”
I banged on the window, and jerked on the door,
I even tried digging my heels through the floor.
“Calm down,” said my driver, watching me in his mirror.
“How can I?” I shot back. “This is all getting queerer!”
Where were we going, this stranger and I?
I thought of the gifts bought and started to cry.
What of Andrea’s doll and Billy’s new train,
The Xbox and skates and crayons that don’t stain.
And Aunt Lil’s XO brandy that’d sit on her shelf?
I could use a shot of it now for myself!
And my husband, dear husband, just what would he do?
Would he go on without me? Could he begin anew?
And the gifts wanted for him? What could I do now?
I felt bad at this moment, as if breaking a vow.
We rounded a corner and ground to a halt,
While I hefted my purse, prepared for assault
When out of the shadows my own hubby stepped
The doors unlocked and to his arms I leapt.
“Merry Christmas, babe,” he murmured in my ear,
While the driver laughed and whistled in the rear.
“Why?” I asked angrily. “Did you plan this for me?!
“I wanted to buy you gifts for under the tree!”
“Then I’ll save you the trouble, the cost and the blues
And I’ll get what I want. All I wanted was you.”
I cried and I laughed ‘til I turned red and yellow,
This guy that I married was one heck of a fellow!
Behind us the door slammed as we two embraced
And my driver hummed a carol as off he raced
But I heard him exclaim, round the corner, whistling still
“Happy Christmas to all, and I’ll send you my bill!”